Lion King Spoof
by Katers
Summary: I think the title is selfexplanatory. I only like to poke fun. Don't get all offended, there have been worse things. STORY IS NOW COMPLETE lots o' naughty language and content
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, my songs got booted off because they violated some rule *sticks tongue out at ff administration* so now I'm just gonna hafta write a whole Lion King spoof. Geez, makin' me work.and I'll incorporate songs into story. (If that is allowed. Probably not, but oh well. I'll find out later.) Disclaimer: Didn't invent Lion King. And I don't hate the Lion King. It was one of my favorite movies. I just like pokin' fun. Oh and one more thing. It might not quite follow the movie in some parts.  
  
~~~The Opening Credits~~~(I don't know African so please bare with the improvisions. This is how it sounded to me when I was six.)  
  
A bleary sun crept up over the horizon and apparently it struck the spirit of song into a resident of the African plains for he began his call:  
  
Naaaaaaa seqoia ba ba keysinaba in in gwah yeh ba alibi.. I see a booterfly la la la (binya binya polliwog Binya binya Binya Binya...)  
  
Hinki ta ta hinki hinki ta ta. Hinki ta ta hinki hinki ta ta.  
  
A cheetah lifts its head, ants march, flamingos take wing, and an elephant almost steps on a purple feathered bird. Zebras race and cause a tremendous splash in the water hole. This spurs a rhino who then begins at a slow plod to a gallop after the herd. All this because of the Hinki ta ta wake-up call? Was his singing really that bad to start all this?  
  
No, no. They are all hurrying to see a bent old monkey hold up a lion cub on top of a large over hang. The animals had to show their "respect" to a new ruler or risk being torn apart by "Daddy". It was just easier to bow. As they plod over the flatland a new voice picks up over the whispering morning breeze.  
  
On the day we arrived on the planet, We stood coughing an' gagging in the sun. There wasn't more to see There was nothing here green 'Cause we were covered with mud  
  
There's far to much at stake in here Too little to lose and can never be found. But the sun that's gonna die In that dark blue sky Will kill great and small on the ending round.  
  
It's the square of life And it'll kill us all Through death and blood We we're covered with mud  
  
We'll never find a place Where people quit whining In the square The square of life  
  
A bird had flow over the menagerie and almost hit a couple giraffes along the way. But he reached the big ass rock and bowed to the mightily maned king. Then, his job done, he flew back home and went back to bed because waking up at dawn just wasn't his thing.  
  
An old, bent baboon heaved himself up onto the rock the hard way completely missing the nicely cut stairway a few yards to his left. Well, he was getting old. Maybe it had just slipped his mind.  
  
"Now then," he said clearing his throat, "where's that new whippersnapper?"  
  
Mufasa, the king, proudly led him over to where his wife held the cutsie wootsie patootsie chubby wubby cubby (sorry couldn't help myself) in her paws. Rafiki began his shaking of the rattles and sand and melon goo on the forehead. Sarabi glanced up at Mufasa with a look of "does he have to do this every time?" When Rafiki was padding over to the edge, Mufasa whispered to Sarabi,  
  
"Just let him. He's the only animal with opposable thumbs and the only baboon that won't eat our young."  
  
Sarabi sighed and the song kicked up again.  
  
They'll never find a place Where the people quit whining In the square The square of life BOOM (Camera panned away and accidentally knocked over a rhino)  
  
A/N: I didn't realize how much energy it would take to write this one "Chapter." And it especially sucks because this'll probably violate some stupid ff rule and be taken off anyway. Oh well. I do it for the fans. If-in' I get a few. Anyways, this is the start let me know if it be worth while to finish. 'Cause if not, ima gonna jus' relax. So please review. Perty please. :P 


	2. Chapter 2

A.N.: I got one review so here I go with another chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: I am still not sure if I need this. I take no credit for TLK..K?  
  
~~~~In a cave several yards from where the ceremony took place~~~~  
  
SMACK!  
  
A ruddy colored lion crunches a rodent that looks like a kangaroo mouse (native to Australia, so I don't know what it is doing in Africa, but what do I know?)  
  
"Life isn't fair mousey poo," the lion mutters to the poor thing while holding it by its tail, "I am never gonna be king. My brother gets to just because he is older and can produce fertile offspring. Whilest I must fritter away like some dainty little marshmallow. I would love to be king. It's good to be the king."  
  
"Scar, don't play with your food," Zazu, some unidentifiable species of bird, spoke.  
  
Scar turned to him and gasped, "Eat missuh Jangles? Sakes alive! Whah, I wud neva thinka sucha thang!"  
  
"Mr. Jingles" wiggled from Scar's grasp and scamper back under the door to the restaint room at the end of the block-um I mean rock, and not door, floor.  
  
"Oh Zazu. You made him run away. Now I'll have to capture you and make you listen to me sing show tunes."  
  
"HELP!" Zazu cried fluttering away.  
  
"Scar! Let him go!" Mufasa rumbled from the entrance.  
  
Scar released the blue bird's tail feathers and shimmied on over to Mufasa.  
  
"Why, if it isn't Mister Big shot Smarty-pants with his fine way with the ladies, hot and doting wife, big ass kingdom, and little fur ball of an offspring?  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hi, Bro."  
  
"Sarabi and I didn't see you groveling like the rest of the animals this morning at Simba's birth. What's the deal, Shlameel?"  
  
"I was sitting right outside this cave. How could you not see me? I was two feet away."  
  
"I'm the king I shouldn't have to turn my head if I don't wish it."  
  
"I am in the shallow end of the gene pool when it comes to physique, good- looks, retractable claws, and the ability to have kids, but I have more brains than you ever did. Now leave me be or I'll tell everyone what your nickname in high school was."  
  
"NO! Not that!"  
  
Scar grinned little grinch grin, "Oh, yes. Lefty."  
  
"No one must ever know!" Mufasa exclaimed, covering himself with his curled tail.  
  
Scar sashed off scene humming the song "Natural Woman."(You make me feel like a natural woman.woman.)  
  
Mufasa scurries back to Pride Rock, though now it would seem to fit "Ashamed of Those Locker Room Experiences Rock."  
  
~~~~Time Passes~~~~  
  
A young cub scampers out to the edge of Pride Rock and takes in a big breath of morning air. What a beautiful dawn..  
  
Quickly turning around and scampering again to wake his parents, while on the way waking every other lioness by either an elbow in the belly or foot in the face. Geez, you'd think a cat would be just a little stealthier..  
  
"DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD wake up it's almost dawn! What are you gonna do? Sleep all day? I mean c'mon!"  
  
Mufasa rolled over and pinned Simba to the ground. Sarabi could hear a muffled cry but went back to snoozing. The kicking slowed and the cries began to stop. Holy crap! Mufasa, move your fat arse! You squishin' the star!  
  
Mufasa yawned, "Leave me alone. I've got work in the morning."  
  
(Writer gives him a stout kick to the ribs.) Mufasa growls, "Okay okay. I'm up, I'm up."  
  
Simba jumps up as if nothing happened. Too bad Ridalin isn't sold to lion cubs. As the two strode outta the room, they received a few grumps from the lioness'.  
  
"So you're going to answer that question I asked you yesterday Dad?" Simba said to his father.  
  
"Of course, son," He replied.  
  
Sitting atop that mighty rock of pride, Mufasa began his little spiel.  
  
"Look, Simba. It starts with a girl lion and a boy lion. Now the boy lion takes his-"  
  
"No, Dad. Not that question!"  
  
"Oh, okay well then, smoking can be very addicting-"  
  
"No! Not that one either!"  
  
"Well, damn it! There's so damn many of those 'little talks' parents have to have with their kids these days. I mean if they aren't smokin' they're drinkin'. If they aren't drinkin' it's drugs. If they aren't doin' drugs it's that cheap-ass whore on the corner passing out herpes like they were toilet paper!"  
  
Simba stared blankly at his huffing father.  
  
Mufasa blinked, "Everything the light touches is our kingdom."  
  
"Wow," Simba enthused.  
  
"Uh, well let's see, then there's the circle of life.dark place is beyond our borders.crawling ants to leaping antelope.yes, we eat the antelope.go to the dark side and I'll tear you a new one. I think that covers it. Now go rub it in your uncle's face."  
  
And with that Simba scampers some more. Off to see his brooding effeminate uncle.  
  
"Hey, Uncie, guess what I have and you don't?"  
  
"A father who experimented a lot in college before he met your mother?"  
  
"No, silly. I'm gonna be king of the whole kingdom. From the crawling ant to the leaping antelope. That's right. I'm gonna RULE your ass!"  
  
"Yes, well why don't you go play with some matches or something?"  
  
"Can't. I'm a lion cub. There is that shadowy place, though. How about that?"  
  
"Whatever. Just stay out of my way Leo."  
  
A.N.: okay no song this time. If did keep going, I would have to wait until they reach the graveyard before I could cut it off. And I still have another song parody to put in the next chapter. So there is something to look forward to. And if you cared enough to read this far, GOOD FOR YOU. Congrats. And thanks. I love to know people actually read this stuff. And if you review, even better. Even if it is to say something mean. At least I know you read it. Merci beaucoup. 


	3. Chapter 3

A.N: thank you for all the wonderful reviews (yes both of you). It makes me feel good to know people think I am worth reviewing.  
  
Disclaimer: TLK ain't mine. Though, I have watched it enough times that my friends used to say so.  
  
~~~We last left our prepubescent hero scampering once again. This time to find his best friend Nala. She was down with her mother 'cause mother dear doesn't know how to "cut the umbilical." (Also, I have no idea how another cub could come into existence with only one male around. Scar doesn't count.)  
  
"Yo bitch! Wazzzzzaaaah?!" Asked Simba as he pimped on over.  
  
"Ain't nuthin' much Big Daddy. Lay some skin on me scat cat." Nala replied holding out her paw, which Simba slapped the palm of with his.  
  
Simba whispered to her about a secret place he found out about. Nala showed no interest.  
  
Simba sighed, "We would be in perilous danger and we could be killed."  
  
Nala sat bolt upright, "By Jove! Do you really think so?" (I know that line is from The Mummy.)  
  
"Yeah, so get your mom's tongue off your ass and let's go!"  
  
Of course, they were off. His mom actually bought the lame ass "water hole" story. She still made them go with Zazu, though, because Zazu is Mufasa's bitch and has to do as he is told.  
  
As the trio was on their way, Nala questioned Simba on how they would get rid of Zazu.  
  
"Hmm." he thought for a moment, "well, I AM kinda hungry. And we jus' love us some fried chicken."  
  
"Hey! We could teach all the animals song and dance and get that to help us catch and eat Zazu!"  
  
"Yeah! Good idea! I'm glad I thought of it!"  
  
"Bitch." Nala mumbled under her breath.  
  
"Okay you can teach the lyrics and I'll teach the choreography. I'll get the rhinos and giraffes. You get the elephants, monkeys, and antelope." Simba ordered.  
  
"Move ye young asses, little ones. I can't fly forever you know." Zazu called back to them.  
  
Nala was over to the left scolding the alligators, "No, no, no, you overgrown iguana! You don't eat the birds!"  
  
Simba was to the right of the trail screaming at the animals, "Idiot animals! It isn't turn, pivot, spin, kick, pause, perry, kick! It's turn, pivot, spin, kick, kick, pause, kick, perry! You can't do anything right!"  
  
Zazu noticed all the hubbub and went back and landed.  
  
"Look at you two, talking and collaborating on some project I could never guess for what. Your parents will be estatic when I tell them the good news."  
  
The cubs stopped, "What news?" they asked.  
  
"Why you two are going to be married, right? How far along in your pregnancy are you Nala?"  
  
"What the Foshizzle?!" The cubs exclaimed, "We aren't married!"  
  
"Or pregnant!" Nala added annoyed.  
  
"Well, I thought it would be nicer if you two liked each other right off. That way the arranged marriage wouldn't be so forceful." Zazu seemed so sure of this.  
  
"Arranged?!" Simba said, "What a load! We're just kids! Besides, I am still unsure of my sexual identity. Give me some time and support for whatever my decision may be!"  
  
Nala and Zazu blinked.  
  
"Anyway," Nala continued, "It would be illegal for kids to marry in the states."  
  
"Well, this be Africa, young mo fo's. And Simba has a responsibility as a prince and future king. It takes more than just a lion to rule this country. You need a council, money, political stature, public prestige, advisors, Nelson Mandela, the voters approval."  
  
Nala and Simba get bored with Zazu's ramblings. Their stomachs rumbled again reminding them of their musical number.  
  
"Okay, I don't have time for this shizzat," Simba professed.  
  
"Let's crank dis mo' fo'!" Nala exclaimed.  
  
And they began their song of many appetites.  
  
Simba: It's gonna be a mighty spleen, so vultures beware!  
  
Zazu turns and notices them advancing on him.  
  
Zazu: I've never had a king of beasts try to eat my derriere!  
  
Simba: It's gonna be a 'mazin' event like it's always been before. Just cut it up and pull it out and toss him on the floor!  
  
Zazu: Thus far a rather extremely frightening thing.  
  
Simba: Oh I just can't WAIT to eat your spleen!  
  
:O :o :O :O (paw prints)  
  
Simba: Now I'm gonna pull this!  
  
Zazu: (now don't touch me!)  
  
Nala: Now I'm gonna bite there!  
  
Zazu: (I'm not even getting paid for this!)  
  
Simba: Now I'm gonna chop that!  
  
Zazu: (Bad Kitties!)  
  
S/N: Now I'm gonna tear here!  
  
Zazu: (Not there!)  
  
S/N: Free to eat all day.  
  
Simba: Oh come along and play!  
  
Boom Hey! Da da da da Boom Hey! Da da da da :O :o :O :o  
  
Simba: I think it's time you and I eat Zazu's heart  
  
Nala: I would really like the spleen, let me eat that part!  
  
Zazu: If that is where part of me is headed, COUNT ME OUT! Out of service, get me outta ya' or I'll scream an' shout! This child is biting wildly on my wing!  
  
Simba: Oh I just can't wait to eat your spleen!  
  
Boom Hey! Da da da da Boom Hey! Da da da da  
  
Simba: There won't be a bite left. Some say it's not right. Call me a crook but I'm.Eating in the spotlight!  
  
Zazu: BACK OFF!!  
  
Animals: Let's eat his liver and his spleen. You can take a leg I'll take a wing. Man o man o man we love to sing!  
  
Simba: Oh I just can't wait to eat your spleen!  
  
Animals: Oh he just can't wait to eat your spleen!  
  
Whole menagerie: Oh we just can't waaaaaaait to eat your spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!  
  
Rhino ruins the meal for everyone because she misses a perry, kick and falls flat on her ass and on Zazu..  
  
Simba and Nala look down and grimace. Ewww whatta mess.  
  
"Oh, well. Ain't no thang butta chicken wang. He be trippin' too much no how." Simba said pointedly.  
  
"Yeah, let's go big daddy." Nala replied.  
  
And they scampered off again.  
  
Not really paying attention they tumble down the hill right next to them that they failed to notice while waking straight towards it. Nala pins Simba with ease because he is a pussy..cat that is.  
  
"Get off of me! You know I'm still unsure of my sexual preference!" Simba growled.  
  
"Geez, what is it with you and your dad?" Nala said rolling her eyes.  
  
"There is nothing wrong with us!" he defended.  
  
"Yeah, okay whatever sister."  
  
Simba growled and Nala rolled her eyes again laughingly.  
  
"Look, let's just go oogle that big skull over there." Simba grumbled.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"No!" Zazu swooped up with a flintstones band-aid on his beak and a cast on his wing.  
  
"Damn! We assumed you were an omelet by now." Simba confessed.  
  
"Well, it will take more than rhino ass to get ride of me! Besides, I have a few more important appearances in this thing."  
  
The Hyenas pop out off cue but oh well. You try and tell them!  
  
"Well, well, well Popeye, What have we got here?"  
  
"I dunno Shitsi, how about you Ed?"  
  
"I do believe they are a pair of the Felix leo of the felis family. Known as "the king of the jungle" though natives to the African plains, they feast upon the flesh of numerous mammals, a few being water buffalo, zebra, wildebeests, and even in desperate times.hyena. Full grown at six years, the male lion lives alone or maybe with one other male as they aren't very good hunters. Mating hundreds of times in a day in the mating season, a lioness can give birth to a litter of up to eight, though, odds are only one will lives to see maturity."  
  
The others blinked.  
  
Ed sighed in defeat, "oh ahh heh heh *slobbers* *slathers tongue over lips and grins stupidly*."  
  
Popeye nods, "That's right, a trio of trespassers!"  
  
Shitsi bares her fangs, "We'd looove to have some cub sandwiches (rimshot sounds *duh dun ching!*)  
  
"Oh that's a good one! We are so funny let's laugh and give the kids a chance to run! Since we're hyenas; filthy, dirty, scavengers; it means we automatically have low I.Q.'s!"  
  
Simba and Nala dash off with Zazu trying his best to fly again. He eventually is able to catch up with the cubs, with those dumbass hyenas that don't deserve any respect simply because of their choice of lifestyle of scavenging even though they have been known to bring down buffalo when in bigger groups, close behind.  
  
The cubs see Zazu getting ahead of them. Simba trips him to slow the hyenas down.  
  
Tumbling down a mountain of bones with vibrating effects, Simba and Nala get a little more fun than they bargained for. Landing at the bottom with a thud they both look at each other.  
  
In unison, "Again!"  
  
Running back up past the hyenas, they rumbled back down.  
  
"WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"  
  
"What the-?" Popeye exclaimed as they whizzed past again.  
  
"Damn it! Get your asses moving! We have an attempt at murder to do here!"  
  
"Awwww." they whine and resume their flight.  
  
They hyenas corner them under a musty rib cage.  
  
"Okay kitties. First we gonna rip open your stomachs, then we gonna eat yo' hearts, then we gonna-."  
  
"Hey, Fido?" Simba interrupted, "Less talky, more killy."  
  
They growled, but were then stopped by a roar behind them. Popeye and Ed turned to Shitsi.  
  
"What? So I ate some spicy kielbasa awhile ago, so what?" she snapped defensively.  
  
Mufasa leapt out and opened a can of whoop ass on those gol damn dirty shits, the hyenas. They ran off with yelps and slashed asses.  
  
Simba trotted up and started to speak. Mufasa stopped him, "Shut up you little delinquent! You disobeyed me! Now your mother won't let me hear the end of it! 'I told you, you have no authority in this family, Lefty!' She always criticizes me!"  
  
Simba blinked.  
  
Mufasa tried again, "Let's go home."  
  
Scar growluh luh luhs effeminately from his perch several feet above where they were. I can't believe they didn't see him. I mean what happened to the "wild animal senses"?  
  
~~~On the way home, the stars come out~~~  
  
"Zazu!" Mufasa summoned his bitch to his side.  
  
"Yessssssss," he lisped.  
  
"Take my son's wench home. I have to teach him a lesson on obedience."  
  
Zazu fluttered off with Nala eyeing his chicken wings hungrily.  
  
"Simba!" Mufasa summoned again.  
  
Simba slithered over to where his father waited.  
  
"Simba, I am very disappointed in you. I thought I could trust you."  
  
"I know." He replied glumly.  
  
"We men have to stick together in this family. We're surrounded by thirty females. That's a lot of estrogen and PMS. I can't handle it alone. And don't even get me started on menopaws." (Get it, menopaws? Oh I'm good).  
  
"I know. I'm sorry, Dad."  
  
"Okay then. Get over here. I have to tear you a new one."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"I told you I would if you went to the dark side. It's either a new one or I cut of your hand."  
  
"Geez, Dad. Jus' because you were Darth Vader too doesn't mean you have to always remind me of it. That was twenty-five years ago."  
  
"Whatever. As long as I don't have to go straight home. I'd like to stay away form your mom as long I can. How about we go to Hooters or something?"  
  
"But Dad, I am just a kid."  
  
"Hooters is a family restaurant!"  
  
"Sure, a family for the first few minutes before the husband looks at the waitress' ass or breasts then the mommy files for divorce."  
  
"Geez, you really are swinging the other way aren't you?"  
  
"I am NOT a homosexual!"  
  
"Well, I don't know a single straight guy who would turn down a night at Hooters."  
  
"Just tear me a new one." Simba sighed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you?"  
  
"I'm going home." Simba mumbled.  
  
"Oh, be nicccccce." Mufasa called after him.  
  
A.N.: Okay no offense to anyone of different sexual preferences, but oh well. You can't sneeze without offending someone these days. It didn't seem long enough to cut it off before the elephant graveyard, so I kept ramblin'. My fingers hurt. I'll try to update soon, but I don't like to make and break promises. R 'n' R if you please. I like to know if you read this far into this monstrosity. 


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.: Thank you for the positive comments. I feel so loved. Oh and Ry Senkari? You have no idea how much your review meant to me. I've been reading your Cowboy Bebop: Funny Sessions. YOU my friend are funny! Where does a sense of humor like than come from?  
  
Disclaimer: Doo bee doo bee doooo. TLK don't belong to me, nor you..  
  
~~~~Elephant Graveyard~~~~  
  
"Man, that lousy Mufasa. He just had to touch my ass didn't he? I knew there was something about him." Popeye squatted with slashes all over his poop chute.  
  
Ed sat reading the National Enquirer in the corner. He looked up from his articles, "Well he DOES come running every time we get into the kingdom. He acts like he's mad, but we know the real reason. I mean, he wasn't swiping at us, he was trying to 'wrestle'."  
  
"It's not funny Ed." Popeye growled.  
  
"Do you see me giggling like some idiot?" Ed snapped.  
  
"GRRRRR," Popeye leapt onto Ed and tore at his face.  
  
Ed with his extensive knowledge of the martial arts, pulled some Tai Kwon Do on him and sent a swift kick to Popeye's little Banzai. Crouched in pain, Popeye limped over to the corner.  
  
"Would you two knock it off?!" Shitsi yelled.  
  
"We did! Geez, pay attention bitch!" Popeye snapped back.  
  
"I was too busy wid' yo' momma!"  
  
Ed moaned, "I am surrounded by idiots."  
  
Scar jumped up onto the perch above the gol damn dirty sons of bitches (aka the hyenas), "I brought you some food though I don't think I should give it to you."  
  
"Then why did you bring it up, Fruitcake?" Shitsi barked.  
  
"I practically gift wrapped those cubs for you. And you couldn't even dispose of them!" Scar moaned dangling the meat above them.  
  
"Screw this! Just jump him!" Popeye leapt up and snapped the zebra leg from Scar. Shitsi nipped Scar's tail. Ed Karate chopped him in the trachea.  
  
Chowing down on the leg, Shitsi spoke up, "Well, if Mufasa would quit dry humpin' us maybe we could get closer to killing 'those cubs'. It's like that damn lion stalks us, waiting for a dark alley to come along then BAM! Major pain in the ass (no pun intended)."  
  
"Yeah what are we supposed to do? Kill Mufasa?" Popeye added.  
  
"WHAT?! KILL MY OWN BROTHER? Sakes alive! Why would I do that?!" Scar gasped hold his paw to his chest.  
  
"Well, you wanna be king don't you?" Popeye asked.  
  
"Yes." Scar replied.  
  
"Well, all it takes is a little push off Pride Rock-." Shitsi hinted.  
  
"NO! I would rather just embarrass him a lot." Scar confessed, "And I think I have the perfect plan. Who has a camera?"  
  
"Huh?" The hyenas lifted their gaze to the scheming Not King.  
  
Scar jumped down bouncing around like Simba on crack. Music kicked up.  
  
"Oh great," The hyenas mumbled, "Now he's gonna sing. What's wrong with explaining in a normal conversation?"  
  
Scar: I know that he cowers in humiliation. That he gets wet from a wart hog's backside. But as sick that is-LIKE URINATION-My word, he makes me wanna hide. It's clear that he likes he own bacon. He likes to walk 'round naked upstairs. But we're talking of his own sick intentions-Even YOU can be caught in your underwear!  
  
The hyenas look at each other and roll their eyes.  
  
Scar continues: So prepare the glance of a lifetime-Be prepared for sensational views. The queen, you can hear her. She's tiptoeing nearer.  
  
Shitsi mumbles unenthused: And where do we feature?  
  
Scar: Just listen, you creature. I know it sounds morbid, but you'll be rewarded 'cause the king has a thing for derrieres. Then he will come out in his underwear-YOU'LL BE SCARED!  
  
Popeye: Yeah sure be scared-for what?  
  
Scar: For the sight of the king in his ladies undergarments!  
  
Popeye: Geez! Is he sick or something?  
  
Scar: No, fool. But he is too big for them! Sarabi is too. But she likes it when he wears her "unmentionables".  
  
Shitsi whispered sidelong to the others: I'd go with sick.  
  
Scar: We will film it and he'll be so embarrassed, he'll run away!  
  
Shitsi: Yeah, who needs a king?  
  
P/S: No king, no king, tra la la la la la!  
  
Scar: Idiots! There will be a Queen!  
  
Popeye: Hey, you just said-  
  
Scar: I will be Queen! And I will rule the kingdom! All will tremble before my wrath!  
  
Shitsi (whispering): did he just say 'queen'?  
  
Popeye: Just go along with it. I guess it must run in the family.  
  
Hyenas suddenly pop outta nowhere and start dancing and singing. (How did they all know the words? Was there a rehearsal I was unaware of?)  
  
Hyenas: It's great that he'll soon be rejected, and impeached for his sexual deals.  
  
Scar: Of course, this all goes I'll be expected. To teach my bro how it feels.. To be expelled just for being younger; I never even gotta single chance to see, I cannot stand it any longer-I'm tired of him getting more pussy than me! (Cat that is.)  
  
Scar/Hyenas: You'll be scared of the poop of this monarch  
  
Scar: You'll be scared 'cause it smells like ham  
  
Hyenas:(Poooooooo la la la)  
  
Scar: It's squishy and smelly and feels like grape jelly  
  
Hyenas:(he will poo lots of poo)  
  
Scar: Piles and piles is simply while I'll-  
  
Hyenas:(we repeat-smells like feeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)  
  
Scar: Sneak around undetected they poop-I'm respected  
  
Hyenas:(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)  
  
Scar: And the king won't even know we were there.  
  
Hyenas:(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!)  
  
Scar: Yes, the king will come out in his wife's underwear-  
  
Hyenas:(ah ah ah ah ah!)  
  
Scar: YOU'LL BE SCARED!  
  
S/H: Yes, the king will be seen in his underwear! WE'LL BE SCARED!  
  
Scar laughs maniacally and lopes off to put his plan into motion.  
  
Popeye, Shitsi, and Ed all look at each other and say in unison, "Kill him."  
  
"He doesn't actually expect THAT to be affective does he?" Popeye asks.  
  
"Indubitably," Ed replies, "He does. I honestly do not think brains and intellect were passed out at all in that family. It seems our fellow feline has a thing for peering at others with a serious psychological chemical imbalancement. Maybe he only cries out for attention and only receives rejection. A dark void where love should have been. Mother held him too much or not enough. To quote Louis XIV-"  
  
Ed sees the others staring at him blankly. Sighing again in defeat, he slobers all over and giggles stupidly.  
  
"Right! We should start a stampede." Popeye agreed.  
  
"All right then. Let's ride!" Shitsi exclaims.  
  
Popeye and Ed glare at her.  
  
"Uh, yee haw?"  
  
They continue to glare.  
  
"Let's crank dis' mo' fo'?"  
  
Glares.  
  
"Oh never mind. Let's just go to the friggin' gorge.  
  
~~~The next day~~~ Boy, that sounds ominous doesn't it?  
  
Scar walks up to the hyena trio who are eyeing a wildebeest herd.  
  
"Okay, I've got the camera and tripod set up. Now all we need is a clear shot of the king."  
  
The hyenas glance at each other and roll there eyes.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sure boss. But, uh, one more thing before we do that." Shitsi said.  
  
"Really? What?" Scar asked.  
  
Popeye stepped forward, "We need you to bring Simba here and put him down there under that tree." He pointed to the bottom of the gorge.  
  
Scar looks down, "Um, okay. Why?"  
  
Shitsi thinks, "It's a, uh, surprise! Yeah, something for Mufasa and Simba. So when you get Simba down there, give us a signal THEN go get Mufasa. Got it?"  
  
Scar thinks for a moment, "Hmm, okay. I'll be right back!" and he skips off like a little girl (or runs off like Scott Evil in Goldmember).  
  
The hyenas can't help but laugh.  
  
~~~At the gorge bottom~~~  
  
"Now wait here you little rascal. I'll go get your father who has a marvelous surprise that he didn't want me to tell you about. Oops. Oh, silly me. I seem to always say too much," he held out his paw, "Here, Simba. Give me a smack for being wicked."  
  
"Okay." Simba replies, but then stops with his paw in the air, "Waaaaait a minute-I ain't like that, Uncle."  
  
"Oh, deary me. Sorry. I can be such a naughty kitty sometimes."  
  
Simba raised his eyebrow.  
  
"I'll go get Daddy now." And scar frolicked away.  
  
Simba sat there for a moment before he spied a lizard and began molesting it. (And molest just means pester or abuse.)  
  
"Grrowel luh luh luh," he purred.  
  
~~~Meanwhile, on the top of the gorge~~~  
  
"Hey there's Scar! The dumbass actually did it! Let's go." Shitsi led the way as they scared the wildebeests over the edge.  
  
~~~~Bottom again~~~~  
  
Simba heard the rumbling before he saw the animals. And like an idiot, he waited until they were right behind him before he decided to move his furry ass. He could have just climbed that big tree right next to him, but nooooooo. He has to run-. (I am just worried about that poor lizard. There's no way he could have run fast enough. *sniffles* The movie should have been all about that brave soul. Mr. Lizard, I salute you! o )  
  
Mufasa and his bitch Zazu were pimpin' through the prides when Scar runs up outta breath.  
  
"Mufasa, there's a stampede in the gorge with your ungrateful sperm stuck in the middle!"  
  
"Simba?!" Mufasa raced off toward the rising dust cloud. He didn't hear Scar saying something about the hyenas setting him up.  
  
~~~In the melee~~~  
  
Simba clung to a piddly excuse for a tree with his ass hanging just inches from the horns of the panicked wildebeest. Zazu flew down and called to him, "Simba are you okay?!"  
  
Simba looked back over his shoulder in disbelief, "Yeah, I've got it under control. Don't bother trying to get help or anything." He replied sarcastically.  
  
Zazu flew back to Mufasa mumbling under his breath, "Rotten little shit."  
  
Mufasa and Scar slid down to a ledge, "Where is he Zazu?!" Mufasa yelled to him.  
  
"Oh how should I know? He has everything under control anyway. Leave him be."  
  
Scar bitch slapped Zazu into the wall where he was knocked unconscious.  
  
Mufasa leapt into the stampede where he was knocked around like a pinball. Simba slapped his forehead with his palm, "Geez, Dad. Come on. You're supposed to have cat-like speedy reflexes." (Tommy Boy)  
  
Finally, after get beat up so much he has little pikachus running circles around his head, Mufasa stumbled on over like a drunk monkey to the twig Simba was clinging to.  
  
But then a wildebeest crashed into the tree and Simba went flying.  
  
"Awww," Mufasa moaned, "shit."  
  
He leapt high into the air like Michael Jordon and caught the airborn cub in the air in his mouth. Unfortunately, he opened too wide and swallowed Simba. Damn. That has to suck. Don't you just hate it when you eat your own young?  
  
Jumping up and clinging to a ledge, Mufasa regurgitated the kid as Scar ran up.  
  
"Holy crap, Mufasa! Who's balls have you been licking?!"  
  
Before he could answer, Mufasa was knocked back into the stampede. So much for the king's "loyal subjects". Yeah, sorry your highness, but we're trying to save our own asses here.  
  
Scar scurried off higher to get a better view. Simba came back to consciousness and began frantically searching for his father in the horns and dust. Mufasa leapt up and started climbing the most difficult spot to scale. He could have tried for a lower ledge, but no. He has to show off. And look where it gets him.  
  
His grip slipping, Mufasa called up to his brother, "Pull me up dumbass!"  
  
Scar slammed his claws into Mufasa's paws. Well what did he expect? A hand?  
  
Scar leaned in close and began to whisper, "Hey, if you don't pull through this, can I have your room?"  
  
Mufasa fell from his brother's grasp and disappeared under the hooves and dust.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Simba screamed.  
  
He ran down into the gorge as the wildebeest cleared. Yeah, NOW they do. If only they could have finished two seconds quicker-.  
  
"Dad?" Simba called out. No answer.  
  
Then he sees a body lying under the now broken twig Simba once clung to. Striding lightly over to it, Simba nudged the lifeless body. He crawled under the mighty arm and cried. Scar walked up and gasped.  
  
"Damn! As if it weren't bad enough to have a dead brother. I have a necrophiliac for a nephew!"  
  
Simba jumped up, "No, there were wildebeest and he tried to save me. It was an accident. I-I didn't mean for it to happen."  
  
"Oh, yeah, of course you didn't! You just couldn't wait to be king could you?"  
  
"The song was 'I just Can't Wait to Eat Your Spleen' not 'I Just Can't Wait to be King'." Simba replied.  
  
Scar sniffed in retort. "Get out of my sight, necrophiliac murderer. Or I'll tell your mother."  
  
Simba became angry, "You can't talk to me that way! As of right now, I am king!"  
  
"Oh really?" Scar asked slyly, "What about your little secret?"  
  
"What secret?"  
  
"Oh, you know, THE secret." Scar said then wobbled his paw from side to side.  
  
"I am NOT a homosexual!" And with that, Simba scampered off to never come back.  
  
The hyenas came up behind Scar at that moment. Scar turned to them, "You said it was surprise! Not a murder!"  
  
"Well, I think a murder is a big surprise." Shitsi said.  
  
"C'mon ol' Scar," Popeye said putting his paw on his shoulder, "at least now you can be king. Isn't that what you wanted?"  
  
"Holy crap! You are right! The throne is mine!"  
  
"And don't forget the hunnies!"  
  
"Hmm, this might not be so bad after all." Scar said stroking his chin.  
  
"Oh, I guess we should go chase the kid now." Shitsi piped up.  
  
"oh yeah, that's right. Let's go. See ya' Scar!" Popeye called back as they pranced off after Simba.  
  
~~~Further down the gorge~~~  
  
Simba came to a wall, a dead end. He heard growls from behind. The hyena trio cornered him.  
  
"Geez, I knew I'd be gang raped one day," Simba said out loud.  
  
"Naw, dats yo' momma, bitch." Shitsi retorted.  
  
"Oooooooo," the others backed up.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, yo' momma's so fat she can see a sunrise and set at the same time!" Simba snapped back.  
  
"Oooooooo," the others called.  
  
Shitsi didn't like that. "Yo' momma's so ugly, she don't hafta kill her prey, they die of fright!" Shitsi replied.  
  
"Tell yo' momma to stop wearing lipstick when I come over. I'm getting rainbow rings on my dick!"  
  
"Man, dat's old!" Shitsi complained.  
  
"Not as old as yo' momma!" Simba shot back.  
  
Shitsi lunged at Simba, but he scrambled through a crack in the wall and went tumbling down a hill. Then flew off a plateau and landed in a briar patch.  
  
Popeye wasn't able to stopped and got knocked in after him. Flying back out like a typical cartoon character, he jumped back out.  
  
As he sat there pulling thorns out his ass, Shitsi called out to the cub not to ever come back.  
  
"Or we'll chop of your little Rafiki!" Popeye added.  
  
Shitsi stared at him.  
  
"What?" Popeye asked.  
  
"Cut off his little Rafiki?"  
  
"Okay, so I didn't know what else to say."  
  
"How about 'or we'll kill ya'?"  
  
"Or that, yes."  
  
Sighing, Shitsi turned back, "Yeah, I'll leave you to the Rafiki cutting offing."  
  
"Shut up! I panicked!"  
  
And the three skittered back to the Pride Lands. Their new home.  
  
~~~~Oh no!~~~~  
  
A.N. : I think I went too long with this one. I just didn't know a good place to cut it off. I honestly don't think this chapter was as good as the others. I'll try to do better on the next ones. Thanks to my fans (all-four?). I am kinda sleepy.. Need a nap- -_- Zzz. R n R please and THANK YOU, COME AGAIN. 


	5. Chapter 5

A.N.: Hoo boy! I honestly didn't expect to get any reviews. And so far, they have all been good (knock on wood), but if not, oh well. I enjoy getting feed back and support. Feels weird, though, I have never received any real compliments before (family and friends don't really count). But complete strangers! Cool. Thank you my people. I'll try to hold up my end of this thing. But I think I am getting lazy.  
  
Disclaimer: I hate repeating myself.  
  
~~~Nightfall after the Stampede~~~  
  
Scar sat perched above all the lionesses speaking solemnly of an issue. None were really listening 'cause he never mattered before; any time he spoke to them it was some kind of "cat call". (once again, no pun intended.) Now some were crying because they were being mentally tortured having to listen to him drone on and on and on and on...  
  
=thoughts of the lionesses as camera pans past them.  
  
Just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up  
  
Did I leave the oven on? No, I checked. Did I? Yes, I checked. Did I?  
  
Man, he has hairy elbows. What's the deal with those elbows? I bet he could sweep the floor with those dusters  
  
Scar: And for me it is a deep personal loss..  
  
Loss? What'd he say? I wasn't paying attention. Oh, well. If it were important I would have heard more about it  
  
I've got a love-el-y bunch of co-co-nuts -dee-dle-ee-dee-dee. There they are standing in a row...  
  
Must not kill, must not kill--  
  
What's today, Saturday? I have a beauty appointment tomorrow-mustn't forget  
  
Oh, I just can't WAIT to eat your spleen  
  
I wonder if Victoria's Secret is still open. I think it closes at eight.  
  
Scar: So, I have decided to take my rightfully deserved position.  
  
Yeah, underneath your mom.  
  
Scar: And now I will let the hyenas take it from here.  
  
The lionesses gasped, "What the funky monkey ass?!"  
  
Scar stopped and turned back to their complaints. "This actually surprises you ladies? Weren't any of you listening? I mentioned it several times in my speech a minute ago."  
  
The hyenas gathered around. The argument heated up.  
  
"Listen here, you little horny bastard! I have had just about enough of you! Wait till I tell Mufasa about this little hostile take over!"  
  
Scar sighed, "You see, this is why you need to have a brain. I just told you he was dead. I am king now. You got a beef about me, take it up with me."  
  
The lionesses stood there with their mouths hanging open. One in the back growled, "Aww, horse's ass!"  
  
The hyenas slathered their tongues, the lionesses showed their disgust with curled lips, and spits toward them. Scar rolled his eyes, "Oh, for goodness sake. Play nice children. Or I'll have to give you a spanking." He walked back up to the main cave which was now his, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need my beauty sleep."  
  
In that case, he'd probably have to go into a coma.  
  
At the entrance, he turned and added, "If any of you would like to join me, that would be fine."  
  
Sarabi yelled back, "It will be a cold day in hell before we sleep with you, Scar!"  
  
Another lioness interrupted and scooted past Sarabi, "Hmph, speak for yourself, Honey."  
  
Sarabi's jaw dropped as several others followed, "Hey, he's the only male within miles. I ain't waitin' for Simba to drag his sorry ass back here. And unless you're interested in interspecies relations," She said glancing around at the hyenas, "I suggest you look into this."  
  
Pretty soon, it was just Sarabi, Nala, and her mother, Sarafina. Then, just Sarabi and Nala. Nala looked up at Sarabi and sighed. She slowly got up and headed for the cave.  
  
"Oh, no you don't you little hussy." Sarabi growled snatching Nala back by the tail.  
  
Rafiki sat in a tree a few yards away. Of course, none of this was clicking in his little monkey brain. Come on! All he was thinking was bananas, picking the crap outta his butt, and where's the nearest things he can hurl it at. Oh, and maybe more melon goo and foreheads. He must have some kinda fetish with goo on foreheads.I'm not gonna say what I'm thinking.Never mind.  
  
And so the reign of Scar and his many bitches began. I wonder just how much pussy-MANY pussy cats he got.Geez, I need to get over that.But it's just too easy..  
  
~~~~Desert somewhere~~~ Maybe Serengeti? That's northern Africa, right?  
  
Simba lay passed out on the dried ground. Vultures began pecking at him and would have turned him to a rotting Swiss cheese carcass 'cause he certainly wasn't getting up on his own(lazy ass), when two figures charged the circle.  
  
"YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!"  
  
The buzzards didn't budge. They had been kicked around like crap on a busy city sidewalk. They weren't about to give up this one. The fat warthog kick one, which pecked a hole in his side as a counter attack. Pumbaa (the pig) began to fizzle out and deflate. His partner Timon the meerkat and the rest of the vultures stopped and stared at him.  
  
Blushing Pumbaa stuck a bike pump nozzle up his butt and pumped himself back to his normal size. The others continued to stare.  
  
"What? You think the gas was from eating? It really was just air escaping."  
  
Timon throws up his hands, "Whatever! This kid is ours now! Move yo' punk asses outta our space."  
  
A vulture walked calmy over to Timon and pecked his left eye.  
  
"AHHH!!" He screamed with blood gushing out of his face.  
  
Pumbaa picked him up and put him on his back. It was clear they were not gonna win this one. The vultures became more aggressive and began advancing on the duo.  
  
Timon peered through his remaining good eye, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"  
  
Pumbaa turned on his heels and peeled outta there.  
  
*Writer sighs and gets up. Steps into desert and carries Simba over to the jungle*  
  
"Geez, makin' me work." The writer sighs.  
  
Timon, with a Flintstones band-aid on his eye, and Pumbaa standing next to him, they revived Simba with a few splashes of water to his face.  
  
"Huh? Uh, where am I?" Simba moaned.  
  
"You nearly died!" Pumbaa exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, the vultures, yeah, thanks guys." Simba said.  
  
"Uh, the vultures, yeah," Pumbaa gave Timon a sharp look who whispered back, "Hey, he was asleep he'll never know what hit him-or in this case, banged."  
  
Pumbaa shook his head.  
  
Simba got up on wobbly legs, "Geez, my ass hurts. Why is that?"  
  
Timon interrupted Pumbaa before he could confess what they did, "Hey, kid you look blue."  
  
"I'd say brownish-gold!" Pumbaa exclaimed, "Duh dun ching!"  
  
Timon and Simba gave him annoyed looks. Simba whispered to Timon, "Is he gonna be like this for the next several years?"  
  
"Unfortunately." Timon admitted.  
  
'Damn. I thought I had left the pun champions back in the Pride Lands.' Simba thought to himself.  
  
"Bowling for buzzards! I love it!" Pumbaa enthused.  
  
Timon and Simba just stared at him until he laid down.  
  
"Anyway, it's clear you were run out of your home and now you are here all alone. The world turned its back on you 'cause you were different, right?" Timon put his arm around Simba.  
  
"Uh, different?"  
  
"Yeah. They didn't except you for who you found you were," Timon went on, "Well, kid, you are in luck. We except you 'cause we are three in the same."  
  
"Huh?" Simba didn't understand, "I don't understand."  
  
"Well, let me put it in laymen's terms for ya'." And Timon cleared his throat.  
  
"Makuna Hatata."  
  
"What? Isn't it Hakuna Matata?"  
  
"Nope, and unless you wanna get sued from copyright laws, I suggest you just go with me here."  
  
"Makuna Hatata means 'sexual ways'." Pumbaa explained.  
  
Then Timon got a dreamy look in his eye which was a clue to the others to leave him alone (he felt a song coming on).  
  
"Makuna Hatata. It means 'sexual ways'."  
  
Pumbaa continued, "Makuna Hatata, never gets much praise--."  
  
Timon: You'll be rejected-for the rest of your days."  
  
T/P: It's your problem full---Little Hell hole.----  
  
Timon: Makuna hatata  
  
Simba followed them further into the jungle, "Makuna hatata?"  
  
"Yeah, it's a motto."  
  
"Whatsa motto?"  
  
"Nuthin', Whattsa matta wid' you? You friggen' pansy! Why can't you play sports for once? And cheerleading doesn't count!" Timon snapped back. Both he and Pumbaa burst into laughter.  
  
Obviously, the joke went right over Simba's head.  
  
"You know kid? Once you tell them who you have discovered within you, there is no turning back." Pumbaa told him.  
  
"That's right, take Pumbaa here." Timon pointed.  
  
Timon: Why went he was just a young warthog--."  
  
Pumbaa: When I had a thing like a Loooooooooooooog!"  
  
Timon: very nice.  
  
Pumbaa: You know it, bitch.  
  
Timon: he found all his girlfriends lacked a certain appeal. Only doing it like animals ever made him squeal.  
  
Pumbaa: I'd take hold of their backs, and I'd jump right iiiiiiiiiin. They said it hurt, and why'd I have to do it in her rear eeeeeeeeeeeend?!"  
  
Pumbaa: And oh the Shame!  
  
Timon: (He found out he was gay!)  
  
Pumbaa: Thought of changing my ways!  
  
Timon: (Oh, you can't ever change your ways!)  
  
Pumbaa: And he'd say it felt like a truck!  
  
Timon: (How did it feel?!)  
  
Pumbaa: Every time that we'd f-  
  
Timon: Hey, Pumbaa! Not in front of the kid!  
  
Pumbaa: Oh! Sorry  
  
Simba blushed.  
  
T/P: Makuna Hatata it means 'sexual deals'. Makuna hatata never gets much praise.  
  
Simba: You'll be reject-for the rest of your days  
  
Timon: it's a sad thing, kid!  
  
S/T/P: It's out problem full-little hell hole.Makuna hatata!  
  
Simba sighed, "Wow, it feels so good to get this off my chest."  
  
Timon smiled, "Yeah, and now that you live here in seclusion with us, you will never be persecuted again."  
  
"BURP! Boy, I'm starved." Pumbaa belched.  
  
"Yeah, let's get some food." Timon offered.  
  
"Yeah, Zebra!" Simba exclaimed.  
  
"Uh, not here kid." Timon hesitantly said.  
  
"Antelope?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Hippo?"  
  
"Nuh uh."  
  
"Gazelle?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Boar?"  
  
"(sigh) No."  
  
"Snake?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Elephant?"  
  
"Naw."  
  
"Giraffe?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Water buffalo?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Lizards?"  
  
"Nopers."  
  
"Fluffy blue and purple feathered birds as seen in the beginning?"  
  
"Damn it! NO! No real meat!!" Timon screamed.  
  
Pumbaa explained to Simba his pals point, "Here, we only eat worms."  
  
"Worms? Eww."  
  
"Yeah, well we just love worms. But only going down. The ones in your intestinal track are real pains in the ass, literally." Timon grimaced.  
  
Simba grimaced also. Just the thought of it made him wanna hunker down scoot around.  
  
"Anyway, let's get down to the chow! I know a good log." Timon announced.  
  
And so Simba and his two new companions began a walk across the log. It must have been very very very long for it to take his whole adolescence to cross it. About two-thirds the way, when Simba first got his mane, the trio heard a -crunch--. Glancing back, they discover the log had rotted through and was breaking in two.  
  
"Holy Crap! Lets get the heck outta here!" Timon screamed.  
  
"MakunaHatataMakunaHatataMakunaHatataMakunaHatata--!" They picked up their pace as well as the song.  
  
Leaping off the log just as it fell-, they missed the ledge by a few feet and plummeted the long way down to the bottom of the waterfall. First Timon made his little cannonball, then Pumbaa with his piddly little drop, followed lastly by Simba creating a tidal wave for Timon and Pumbaa.  
  
They stared at each other in shock of their near death experience.  
  
"Makuna Hatata! It means sexual deals.." And they went off continuing their little ballad or what ever. I don't really care.  
  
~~~How WILL the Pride Lands get by?~~~  
  
A.N. Okay, it actually took me a couple days to type this. But like I said at the beginning, I think I'm getting lazy. Plus it became Monday and so a new school week ensued. And any one who has been a high school student knows what I mean. If this chapter sucked, my apologies. Again, I will try harder. Oh, antimach? I read your "delightful romp" of a story. I believe it was "Circle of High." Hoo boy. Quite demented, but I laughed so hard my cheeks and stomach hurt. Chasing a gazelle naked yelling "POP GOES THE WEASEL!" Weird but I loved it. :P P.S. I am not homophobic. I have nothing against gays. Please take no offense. 


	6. Chapter 6

A.N.: wow..I mean WOW. Geez "da gang" do you hate me THAT much? Oh well.I am not really raggin' on the trio. If anything I am just exaggerating how the movie treated them, stupid low-lifes. But don't worry. I think I see a comeback in their future. Anyway, DANG I needed to update. Sorry fans. I have been so beaten down with homework and projects (one of which I couldn't buy any real supplies for on account of this sniper guy keeping every mother walking on eggshells. I wasn't allowed to go out and buy anything good.Oh like any of you care.)Anyway, sorry for the wait. When I did have a few moments, I typed up an explanation for my lateness but then I couldn't get on fanfic for some reason..yadda yadda...*trails off and story goes on without her*  
  
~~~~The Pridelands~~~~  
  
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...Nobody knows my sorrow-." Zazu sat in a ribcage next to Scar's bed of rock singin' dat melancholy tune.Scar finally did us all the favor of interrupting him.  
  
"Damn it you friggin' annoying bird! Shut up! For the last time, you can't sing! I have been telling you this for years!"  
  
Zazu scowled at the grumpy pants monarch and continued with his little rendition of "It's a Small World."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
Zazu hushed and thought again, "Hmm, I've got a love-el-ly bunch of co co nuts deedle lee dee dee, there they are standing in a row."  
  
Scar caved in and joined the melody. Zazu mumbled under his breath, "Uh, at least he doesn't ask me to do what I had to with Mufasa-"  
  
"Did you just say Keipasa?" Scar leapt at him.  
  
"No."  
  
"Or maybe kielbasa? I loooooves me some kielbasa."  
  
Zazu rolled his eyes. It seemed to him as the years rolled on, that Scar was becoming more and more senile. The other day he thought the "latrine" was another word for water hole..Zazu retched at the reminiscing. Not even Altoids (the curiously strong mint :D) could get rid of THAT stench.Also, he had come home in a drunken stupor and frenched the poor bird before he could react.  
  
Scar saw the look in Zazu's eyes and knew he was thinking of the "drunken kiss" episode. He would never admit it but he wasn't drunk. ..::Well, loneliness is kind of a drunken emotion::.. Scar thought trying to convince himself that it wasn't anything serious. ..::I am not my brother after all::..  
  
At that moment, the trio came a callin'.  
  
"Yo' bitch! Where be the dinna's at?!" Popeye, quite frazzled (did I just say frazzled to describe a pissed off hyena?), holla'd out to Scar.  
  
"Yeah, you sick-ass mo' fo', there ain't no food and dare be no wata'." Shitsi growled alongside her pals.  
  
"It be grubbin' time and dey ain't be no #@&*$! entrees!" Popeye began to drool with hunger and anger.  
  
"Oooh," Scar groaned effeminately, "It is the lionesses' job to hunt."  
  
"Yeah, but 'dey don't move 'dere sorry asses when we tell 'dem to!" Shitsi snapped.  
  
"Oohhh," Scar purred/groaned again, "Eat Zazu."  
  
"Yes, eat me. Put me outta my friggin' misery please!" Zazu exclaimed all too eagerly.  
  
Scar giggled like a school girl, "Oh, Zazu, I was joking. They wouldn't want you! You'd be so tough and gamey and ewww."  
  
Zazu became desperate, "No! Don't be ridiculous, all you need is a little garnish."  
  
"DAMN IT! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT ME!" Zazu was was becoming REAL desperate.  
  
A couple lionesses walking by the entrance heard the "eat me" call.  
  
One turned to the other and said, "Humph. I am not surprised one bit. All that time that bird spent with Mufasa. There's no question. I don't even want to ask about all the 'tricks' he learned from that pussy---cat, that is."  
  
While the others were trying to calm the insane bird, Ed sat nonchalantly by the entrance. Sighing to himself, he thought ..:: Where did my life go wrong? I could have had a part in Pochahontus or maybe Oliver and Company. Yeah, I could have passed for Tito's distant cousin. Or even the second Lion King.But noooo, I had to end up here. I graduated from HARVARD. WITH HONORS! My brothers? From YALE. I can't believe I chose actor over proudly acclaimed biochemist.::.. Ed's thoughts were interrupted by Shitsi and Popeye barging past him.  
  
"Come on, Ed! We outta 'dis #$%@ed up joint."  
  
Ed sighed and mumbled sarcastically, "Straight up yo'." and dragged himself reluctantly after his partners.  
  
~~~TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN YOU'LL HEAR SIMBA SAY.~~~  
  
"BUUUUUUUUUURRRP!"  
  
~~~~Ta da.~~~  
  
A.N: Yeah, I know pathetically short and disappointing. But I just HAD to give you people something after such a long wait.I'll bet I lost a couple readers. You probably thought I died waiting so long. Well, anyway I really do have a mountain of homework I've been ignoring. Better "hop to it" as they say.sucks to be a teen.( Oh, P.S. I saw the movies Knockaround Guys and The Transporter on Saturday..I know that has nothing to do with anything, I just don't wanna do my homework. 


	7. Chapter 7

A.N. *yawn* Man, I wish I would quite leaving you guys hanging. While I would like to watch my Lion King video for inspiration, a couple nights before I started this fic, I was watching it. I put it in the VCR in the TV downstairs and the damn thing ate it! I had that tape for seven frickin' years! Stupid VCR. Not only that, but TLK isn't on shelves anymore! So I can't even buy a replacement! I am still fuming over it. I cried (lets be honest), I bawled my eyes out over it...I miss my movie.. So I dedicate this fanfic in remembrance of The Lion King video I loved so much. I had the lines memorized by the time I was seven.  
  
~~~Today on Lion King~~~  
  
*deep in the ---uh forest?---JUNGLE!---we find our hero and his "just friends" lounging around gazing at the stars. A mighty roar could be heard rumbling though the cascades (Pumbaa sheepishly apologized and promptly began pumping himself back up with the bike pump).  
  
"BUUUUUUUUURP!" Simba let out his triumphant roar. Timon and Pumbaa applauded for his victory in the contest.  
  
"Okay, okay, you win this time Simba." Timon acquiesced.  
  
Pumbaa felt like trying to be smart so prompted the question of what did they think the sparkly lights in the sky where in an attempt to appear philosophical. Timon desperately wanted to smack him upside the head, but he didn't want the neighbors or police to label him a bitch beater, so he kept his hands tuck behind his head.  
  
"They're little diamonds for the Martians to mine." Timon answered.  
  
"I think you are wrong, dear friend. Let us prompt our other companion and partner for all these years. Oh, Simba. What do you believe the answer of our query may be? I always thought they were balls of gas burning---"  
  
"Who gives a rat's ass?!" Simba growled, "They're friggin' STARS for cryin' out loud! Geez!"  
  
"You mean they really ARE balls of gas burning billions of miles away?" Pumbaa asked.  
  
"Pumbaa, with you, everything's balls." Timon chorted.  
  
"Hey, Simba. Why don't you have some kooky and fun-a-licious answer for our little inquiry?  
  
Simba didn't know how to even answer that one. He thought back to the last time he really LOOKED at the stars...  
  
..:: "Just tear me a new one."::..  
  
..:: "Yeah, I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you?"::..  
  
..:: "I'm going home."::..  
  
..:: "Oh, be nicccccccce!"::..  
  
....Simba shook himself back to reality. ..::Nope, I still don't know why the sight of stars angers me::..  
  
He got up and walked away from his life partners and flopped down on a small ledge yards away. Lots of grass and dandelion junk fly up into the air spelling SEX for a moment and then fly away towards the pridelands.  
  
~~```~~~Pridelands~~``~~``  
  
Rafiki snatched the seeds and leaves out of the air as they floated to him. Taking a big whiff of the stuff, he fell back into his tree with a doped up smile. The chronic really loosened him up (well, more than he was before, anyway). Then, as he was sniffing it more, he finally saw the message it held.  
  
"SEX. Oh, boy! He's alive and soliciting sex by wind-mail! Man, and I bought those porn mail blockers on the internet too! Oh, well. Time to go fetch our little kingy poo and bring his treasonous ass back here!"  
  
Rafiki picked up his cane and headed for the edge of his tree home, but then spied his tail flowing behind him so he prompting dropped his stick and began chasing it like and idiot. Or a chipmink on crack, however you wanna look at it...  
  
Finally catching it by sundown that day, Rafiki remember what he had forgotten all about. He picked up his cane and ran to find Sarabi.  
  
The queen was lounging near a boulder when he ran up screeching like a --- well, baboon. He immediately began to fling poo and jump up and down shaking his cane. It wasn't all his poo, but I can say a vast majority was.  
  
~~``~~``~~Meanwhile, back in the jungle..~~``~~``~~  
  
"Through out your hands. Stick out your tush. Hands on your hips. Give 'em a push. You'll be surprised you doing the French Mistake! Voila!"  
  
Timon and Pumbaa were engrossing themselves into little tunes while prancing down the trails of the jungle. Timon led the way while Pumbaa brought up the rear. Timon was going off into a solo of "Let's Do the Time Warp Again," when Pumbaa got distracted by a grub and followed it off the trail. Timon didn't even notice.  
  
Pumbaa was still keeping the tune at a low voice as he crept up on the unsuspecting worm. As he peeked over a log, he spied something in the tall grass yards away..What was it? Could it be?.... No, it was just a boulder. He continued his stalk. A lioness leapt out from behind him in the jungle and slashed his ass up something terrible. It would take more than Flintstone band-aids to fix THAT one. Not only that, but he dropped his bike pump. Man, sucks to be that pig-a-roo.  
  
He ran squealing like a ---well, pig-through the jungle back to Timon, who at that time was beginning the first few bars of "Bye, Bye, Bye". Pumbaa, like the dumbass he is, jammed himself up under a tree root. Fortunately for him, he was losing gas anyway, so he slipped out shortly. Unfortunately, for Timon, the lioness leapt onto the poor meerkat as he tried to push Pumbaa away.  
  
Tossing him about like a friggin' rag doll, the lioness roared and growled attracting the attention of Simba who happened to be nearby. He leapt over and bounded to the attack, but stopped short when he saw just how fierce the fight was. ..:: Hmm, too much for me::.. he thought. And pranced away. The lioness saw him skipping off and thought ..:: Boy, that feminine strut looks familiar::.. She dropped the now limp meerkat when it occurred to her.  
  
"SIMBA!" she called and sprang onto her thought to be dead friend.  
  
He threw her off, "Heeeeeey, I ain't like that sista'."  
  
Nala cocked her eyebrow but then her eyes brightened, "It really IS you! I knew you would turn out this way!"  
  
"What way?"  
  
"Oh, you know.." she rolled her eyes.  
  
"I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!"  
  
"Oh, sure, you came to live with two guys in a jungle just for the eggrolls."  
  
"Geez, I came here because they let me be me and never said otherwise! I mean, yeah, I would wake up with severe pains in my butt-hole for unknown reasons,"  
  
Timon and Pumbaa looked at each other.  
  
"But that has nothing to do with my sexuality!" Simba started huffing.  
  
"Okay! Don't get your panties in a bunch." Nala mumbled.  
  
Timon and Pumbaa crept away to the bushes, and watched the two reminisce of the good ol' times.  
  
"Shut the F#@% up you C%#@! I don't need you to show up here and tell me who I am and who I am not!"  
  
"I wouldn't have to if you would just admit it! It is okay, Simba. We'll still love you."  
  
Timon sighed, "Just look at those two. I tell ya' Pumbaa 'dis be some funky ass shit."  
  
"Whatever do you mean, dearest companion and ally with every move I make, every step I take, you'll be watching me?"  
  
Timon blinked, "I can see what's happening."  
  
Pumbaa: What?  
  
Timon: And you can't buy a clue  
  
Pumbaa: Who?  
  
Timon: He'll change his love and leave us on the line, no more of dat pussy (cat) for you.  
  
Pumbaa: Oh  
  
Timon: No more caress of lion hide. No more furballs in your hair. And with this little Nancy-boy actress here, he'll be left without a caaaaaare  
  
Some unidentifiable voice belts out over the jungle and wraps its melody around the too love birds (yeah right).  
  
Do you fear rebuff tonight? Will he ever see? The girl for once will let him sleep with her, if only he weren't gaaaaaaaay..  
  
Simba and Nala strode up to a pond and began to drink. Simba thought to himself as he watched her..  
  
Simba: How many ways to tell her. About the part of me.. That I can't seem to face. Impossible..She already sees it in me...  
  
Nala looked up: I can't imagine what he's been riding. Not that I'd want to know. Why won't he just admit that thing he is, it has really started to shooooow.  
  
Simba yanked her tail and she scratched his face. Oooooh, cat fight! (Oh, I am so good at puns). Nala bitch slapped him and he hissed in return. He grabbed her hair and pulled it down. She did the same so it became a hair pulling contest.  
  
He eventually lost because, I mean, DAMN! He has all that hair! He ran away and Nala chased after until they came to a hill which they tumbled down because they didn't see it though it WAS right in front of them (geez, this sounds familiar).  
  
Simba came out on top. They were too busy trying to catch their breaths to really notice. Nala herself, got the wind knock out of her from his tremendous girth. Simba was panting when all of a sudden, he felt some thing strange going on down below.  
  
Nala gasped, "Simba!"  
  
He was speechless.  
  
That strange unidentifiable voice came up again, this time louder.  
  
Can you feel the boner tonight? Finally he's 'da kiiiiiiing. Now we know, he wasn't gay after all. Just a bisexuaaaaaaaaaaaaal.  
  
Timon: So now -- the call -- has made -- its ring, they will be consuuuuumed  
  
Pumbaa: They'll marry in days - like nature intended-  
  
T/P: Without our paaaaaaal, we're doooooooooooooomed  
  
They glanced around at all the predators that had gathered around them. No more protection from the lion.  
  
They began to cry...  
  
~~~~Oh you guys..~~~  
  
A.N.: *sniff* I miss my video tape..It died. It was brutally murdered by the VCR. And because of my parents crooked justice system- It walked! That damn thing still sits in our kitchen without punishment for the murder. Funeral services for the Lion King video tape will be held in my backyard. It will have the finest shoebox money can buy. It is survived by its sequel and the Disney Corporation. I will always have the case it came in to remember it by.. ( 


	8. Chapter 8

A.N.: Okay, from now on I'll only be writing on weekends. I only have time then, duh! So don't be surprised when my updates are a week or even more apart. I'll try hard though. Oh, by the by..I just posted another story. It is under originals, humor. It is called "String". It is short. Won't take long to read. It isn't ROTFL hilarious (it wasn't meant to be), but I would like a couple reviews. Thanks.  
  
~~~Simba and Nala sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage-~~~  
  
Simba hurled a fruit at the nosy bird. Hit it dead on. The two cats got back to what they were doing. What were they doing, you ask? Well, let's just say they put the WILD in WILDCAT. Anyway, later on as they were walking through the jungle, Nala just had to spoil the friggin' beautiful moment with her friggin' big mouth.  
  
"Simba! Why ain't 'chu' getting' yo' punkass back to the Pridelands?"  
  
"Yo' bitch! Why 'on't 'chu get up out my face befo' I put my fist in it?"  
  
"You punkass mo' fo'! Why you be trippin'? All I be TRYin' ta' do is save yo' sorry ass!"  
  
"Well, maybe I would go back if you quit BITCHIN' about it!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? Well, yo' mama ain't gonna like the thought of you abandonin' her like 'dat!"  
  
"Leave her outta it! Makuna Hatata! It means I can be who 'da #$@! I wanna wid'out anyone discrim'natin' agains' me!"  
  
"Geez, Simba. It is ----out of---- not 'outta'. Damn, speak clearly..No wonder your dad committed suicide.."  
  
"What the foshizzle?! My dad didn't commit suicide!"  
  
"Well, if he didn't jump then how did he end up on the bottom of the hooves of a whole herd of wildebeest?"  
  
Simba hesitated, "Uh, how the hell should I know? He was weird like that.."  
  
Simba started walking away, "Simba, we really do need you at home, though. Scar has taken over and the hyenas are eating everything! There is no food, no water, no color, no grass, no living trees, no flamingos, no blue sky, no spirit, no laughter, no hippos, no elephants, no zebra, no giraffe, no leopards, no music, no alligators, no gazelle, no snakes, no crocodile hunter, no beavers, no penguins, no polar bears, no African killer bees, no malaria, no scorpions, no crawling ants to the leaping antelope, no---"  
  
"Damn girl! I get the friggin' picture!" Simba massaged his pounding temples, "So there is jack diddly in the Pride Lands, so what?!"  
  
"Scar is sleeping with my mom!"  
  
"HOLY SHIT! We need to leave right away!" Simba replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
Nala glared at him, "It isn't funny. It's sick! My mom is sleeping with some icky lion guy and she doesn't even LIKE him!"  
  
"Well, there's a big surprise," Simba mumbled.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Forget it!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
And Simba stormed off without another word.  
  
Nala on the other hand could be heard muttering, "Rotten, little shit."  
  
Simba stalked back and forth grumbling about how he hated that bitch, "Acting like she's all that and a blueberry muffin! I oughtta smack her upside the head."  
  
He sat down with a sigh and gazed up at the stars. They swirled around above him for a few moments before he realized they were fire flys.  
  
"So THAT'S what stars are." Simba said to himself, "Geez, Timon was WAY off.."  
  
Simba got up and ambled on over to a log that made a bridge of itself over a calm stream. He stared down at the reflection. Yards away, a low chant could be heard..  
  
"Kahante kunkins, smashing pumpkins, Kahante kunkins, smashing pumpkins.."  
  
Simba got so lulled by it that he fell fast asleep, "hmmm..smashing pumpkins..they had a few songs I liked...is it true they broke up?...ZZZzzzz." He fell into a deep slumber.  
  
Rafiki jumped out of the tree and crept over to where Simba lay snoozing. Stepping up very quietly he gently placed his hands on Simba's side and--- SPLASH---pushed him into the stream.  
  
Simba's mane was in his eyes, so he didn't see the culprit. He shook himself off and went to find a place to dry. Rafiki snuck up a little close and started huckin' rocks at him. Simba whirled around and beat the crap outta him 'cause, hey, he's a lion. Disney or not, you don't chuck rocks at lions. It ain't the brightest thing to do, but then again it is RAFIKI we're talking about here.  
  
Simba stared up into the sky ignoring the furry mass that once was a whole baboon.  
  
He began thinking out loud (as if we CARED what he was thinking. *look at me I'm Simba. I had a rough childhood. Pity me while I do a soliloquy of my feelings!* Two words Pah-leez!)  
  
"(sigh) I wish I were bigger.."  
  
A low rumble could be heard rolling over the hills. .::Simba::.. The clouds began to curl and form into the head of Mufasa. Simba gasped as the head spoke:  
  
"Simba...I am your father...*asthmatic rasp*..You must come to the dark side.."  
  
"Uh, Dad? Wrong movie."  
  
"Huh? Oh! Sorry. You must avenge my death, Simba..OOOoooOOOOOoooo"  
  
Simba raised and eyebrow at the stupidity, "Umm, Dad, I am not going back to the Pride Lands."  
  
"What?!" the cloud rumbled.  
  
"Yeah, I honestly don't care about any kind of shit hole scar turned it to. It ain't my problem now."  
  
"Damn it, you little delinquent! I don't give a rat's ass WHAT you think!"  
  
"Well, who WOULD give a RAT'S ass? Ewww."  
  
"Enough! You will get your fruity ass back there or I'll-"  
  
"Or you'll what? blow me, cloud boy?"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Simba sweated, "Uh, I mean, blow ON me. Heh heh. Yeah, blow ON me cloud boy."  
  
Mufasa growled, "Look, I didn't raise you to be a pansy, so get outta this paradise and go back the the hell hole that will now be your new home! Oh, I see your point.."  
  
"Yes, exactly. So, I am gonna stay here and you can stay there and everyone is happy."  
  
"Yes. NO! No not everyone is happy. The girls need you Simba! Remember that day I told you we would stick together? Remember the PMS? Remember the menopaws, Son?! Remember the menopaws!?!"  
  
Simba DID remember. He hadn't thought about it in so long. Thirty or more women.Those poor hyenas..  
  
"I remember, Father!"  
  
"Simba! You must go back! For them! For the hyenas! You must save the hyenas! (Scar I don't care about) but the hyenas! Go now son! Save them from the horrible torture of estrogen!"  
  
Simba stood tall and proud. He took a deep breath and raced over the grasslands.  
  
"Simba! The Pridelands are THAT way!" Mufasa's head was gone, but his paw was pointing in the other direction.  
  
Simba stopped and turned around and raced off again. Yes, raced. No more scampering for this cat. He is no longer a cub, he passed puberty. And post-pubescent heroes do NOT scamper, they race! And the heroic music trumpets..Dah dah DAH dah dah dah dah dah!  
  
The clouds rolled and disappeared, Simba was out of sight. Rafiki was a few feet away and as the camera panned over to him, he stood with his finger up his butt chanting lowly: Kahante kunkins, smashing pumpkins..  
  
~~~BACK TO THE FUTURE~~~III sucks...  
  
A.N: I am a bit distracted right now so I didn't want to write too much. There should be a warning sign: CAUTION DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE WHILE PREOCCUPIED. I don't want the chapter to suck..Okay so I lied. I'm not distracted. I am just running out of lion king movie and I want this to last as long as possible..Sniffles..my fifteen minutes of fame are almost up..maybe I should make a new category of all Disney movie spoofs..holy crap, that is a lot..never mind. Let's take it one step at a time. :P 


	9. Chapter 9

A.N.: I've been having a bit of a tiff with my father about internet access. Please be patient if things don't work themselves out right away. Of course, I am surprising myself with this story. I am sure you other author's make it up as you go along, right? I didn't know it was so easy. Ha. I am such a newbie..  
  
~~~Timon and Pumbaa to the rescue!~~~no not really  
  
The duo-couple- was snoozing on top of one another dreaming---Shudder--- who knows what kinda dreams. Personally, I don't care to know. Nala slithered on up to them all sneaky like, and nudged Timon who lay on Pumbaa. *eyes roll*  
  
His first sight was the hairs up Nala's big-ass shnoz.  
  
"AAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!! She doesn't use OxyClean! Your pores are atrocious, girl! Just look at those terrible blackheads. No, no, no. this just won't do!"  
  
Timon kept obsessing until the lioness bared her fangs and knocked him off Pumbaa and began chomping on the warthog's leg. After all, with Simba gone, it was open season.  
  
"Hey, little buddy! Help me! I have a hungry lioness gnawing on my ass!"  
  
Timon being no bigger than a carrot could basically do jack shit to help the pig. So he sighed and began searching the classified ads for a new partner. Hmm, single white female...Nope. Single gay warthog, Yes!  
  
After getting a good chunk off of Pumbaa, the lioness lay back and licked her chops, then eyed Timon hungrily. *writer blinks at screen. Damn, I can't do that to the poor warthog..It doesn't make any sense. You can't kill off an important character!*  
  
A paintbrush appears outta nowhere and paints Pumbaa back to life. Nala stares in shock. Timon doesn't notice. He's too busy trying on his hot pink stilettos and fishnet stalkings because, hey, they just make a person feel pretty.  
  
A hunter pops up from the brush and shoots Nala dead and proceeds in skinning her and heading away with the rotting carcass left to waste. Hey, I said you couldn't kill IMPORTANT characters. Simba is mostly GAY remember? He'll get over it.  
  
And if not, there are the thirty other bitches and ho's waiting for him back home. That is if Scar hasn't made them all turn lesbian by now..  
  
Timon turns around and sees Pumbaa sitting there looking a bit if not a lot bewildered at the sudden "resurrection".  
  
"Hey, baby, what's say you an' me go to Simba's home and see how things are?" The meerkat offered feeling pretty in his "evening attire".  
  
"How did you know he was there?" Pumbaa gurgled.  
  
"Why should things make sense, huh? You were dead a minute ago."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
And the two march off with a mission into the sunset.  
  
With the duo just out of sight, Rafiki jumps up onto a branch above where the two were napping, "Ha, ha! You won't find him here! The king has returned."  
  
Of, course no one heard this rare moment when Rafiki actually spoke sensible words, and the moment ended quickly when he saw the skinless carcass of Nala and promptly began flinging poo at it screeching.  
  
~~~Desert~~~  
  
..::Run Simba::.. .::Move your ass you dumb feline::. .:: ouch, this sand is hot::.  
  
--Crunch-"Ow! That is the third damn bramble I've stepped on in the past five minutes!" Simba whined like a sissy and lick his smarting paw. While I'm sure if any of you were there you'd smack him upside the head and yell, "Get over it you pussy! (cat, that is)"  
  
He gazed out over his once prosperous home, "Damn, I'm gonna fight my uncle for this?"  
  
"Yes, Simba," Timon replied approaching him from behind (a sight he missed oh so much), "This is your home. And if you don't fight for it, who will? I sure as hell ain't by myself."  
  
"I'll fight." Pumbaa spoke proudly, joining Simba's side.  
  
Simba sighed .::great::. he thought to himself ..::I have the pig's support. Nothing can stop me now::. Simba rolled his eyes and began heading towards to once mighty rock of pride that now loomed rather sissily in the distance.  
  
~~~Tune in next week when you'll hear Simba say, "Ow! That hurt! You are so bad!"  
  
A.N. I know I know. Short. I myself hate short chapters. You feel cheated don't you? Like I don't care. But, I am trying. Besides I have to pass out candy to the little trick-or-treaters. (there was a little girl dressed as a fairy. Must have been three years old. She was so cute! Even after I gave her her candy she just stood there gawking. And, no, I wasn't wearing a scary costume. --Insert insult here---.) Anyways, happy holidays (though Halloween isn't a holiday) and I hope to update again soon. :P 


	10. Chapter 10

A.N.: I am sorry my other chapters have been gradually getting shorter. I don't know if I am doing it on purpose or accident. Tee hee. Pardonez moi! Let's see if this one with be just a smidgen longer. Oh and it WILL be the last.. I know I can't draw this out forever.  
  
~~~~Pride Rock, that good ol' rock of pride, pride-o-rama, the pride- inater, pride-orino, priiide, the pride-ster, prippy preppy pride---*all the readers: "SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!" Sorry -_-;*  
  
Simba and the duo scuttled up as close to the pride rock as they could get. Unfortunately, the hyenas all seemed to slumber right in front of them.  
  
"Damn. I hate hyenas. Filthy, stinking, no good, sons of bitches!" Timon expressed his hatred further by sticking his tongue out :P.  
  
"Yeah, I agree, Timon," Simba replied, "but that doesn't help me get any closer to my uncle. I need you two to do something for me. And I know you will probably hate me for it."  
  
The pig and meerkat wait for the lion's proposal, "I need you two to act as a diversion."  
  
Timon and Pumbaa immediately protest, "Hey, there ain't no way we're throwin' our asses out 'der!"  
  
"Yeah, two words," Pumbaa added, "PAH-LEEZE!  
  
"You could dress up like Hawaiian women if you want." Simba offered.  
  
The two stopped.  
  
"OKAY!" and they were off.  
  
Timon wore a hula skirt and t-shirt that had a picture of a Hawaiian hula woman bending over with a guy standing behind her dancing with those flower necklaces on, it said: GOTTA GET LAID  
  
Pumbaa wore several large seashells to cover his several large saggy boobs. That's all.  
  
And the song and dance began:  
  
Timon: Hoo Hah! Are you horny for a big, an' fat, an' juicy, geek? Eat my buddy Pumbaa here, if ya' get my mean. You can go down on my---very tasty swine, I'll bring the rope you bring the wiiiine. Aaaare ya' seekin'---  
  
Pumbaa: Yup yup yup  
  
Timon: foooooor a peek in-  
  
Pumbaa: yup yup yup  
  
Timon: Myyyyy good friend?  
  
Pumbaa: yup yup  
  
Timon: You know I can be a good friend too. OY! *winks*  
  
All the while Timon was singing this, the hyenas crept toward the duo on their probably last performance.  
  
With the last line, the two shot away shakin' their money makers screaming out obscenities. The hyenas sprinted after.  
  
Simba, meanwhile, had made his way past the now cleared pathway to the rock where Scar stood daintily ..::Like a marshmallow.::.. Simba thought to himself.  
  
"Shinabi!" Scar roared across the pridelands.  
  
Sarabi rolled her eyes and strode up to the effeminate fumpish king, "For the last time, it is SARABI, not Shinabi, not Snotoba, not Subaru, not Scooby Doo, SARABI."  
  
Scar paid no heed to the lioness' bitchings. He didn't yesterday or the day before or the day before. Today was no friggin' exception.  
  
"Snuffeluffagus, your bitches and ho's are not doing their jobs of slaughtering and dragging carcasses back here for us to gorge upon the bloody flesh of.  
  
Sarabi had to cringe at the unusual and graphic description, "There is no food left, Scar. You made us kill everything. Even Mr. Jingles."  
  
Scar gasped, "WHAT?! No! Sakes alive! Not Missuh Jangles!"  
  
"Yes," Sarabi replied, "Even 'Missuh Jangles'."  
  
Scar's brow furrowed and he began thinking of a way to find John Coffie (like the drink though not spelled the same). But of course, this would be impossible. He was a character in a completely different movie. But why should that stop him?  
  
"You will search for this 'Mr. Coffie' and bring him here." Scar ordered.  
  
Sarabi rolled her eyes, "For crappy butt monkey's sake, that was a different movie, and besides, he died in the end."  
  
Scar gasped again, "You bitch! You ruined the movie!"  
  
And with that, he smacked her. A mighty roar rolled over the crowd of hyenas and lionesses and most importantly, Scar. He gasped AGAIN and turned to the source of the uproar (no pun intended though I am sooo good HOO HAH!).  
  
"Mufasa?! My big, stinky-butt, poophead brother is alive?!" he sank back to the wall.  
  
Simba skipped over to his mother. (yes, skipped. Though he may not scamper anymore, skipping is not quite below him, yet...Okay, it never will be).  
  
He nudged his fallen mother, "Mufasa?"  
  
Simba began to correct her when she shot up and smacked him upside the head, "You friggin' pansy-ass, mo' fo'! Jus' where the hell have you been all these years?! You said you were just going for a walk, now here we are several years later!!"  
  
Simba tried to explain, "No, no! It's me! Simba!.....Ow, that hurt! You are so bad!"  
  
She stopped and studied him for a moment, then, *SMACK*, "Jus' where the hell have you been all these years?! You said you were just going for a walk, now here we are several years later!!"  
  
Scar uncoiled from his tight little ball and stepped forward, "Simba? Simba! I am a little surprised to see you---alive."  
  
He shot the hyenas an evil glance. Shitsi could be heard mumbling, "Oh, Blow it out'cher ass, Scar."  
  
Simba faced his uncle, "Give me one good reason I shouldn't give you the mother of all hiney spankings."  
  
Scar hesitated, "Well, I don't know if I WANT to give a reason now.."  
  
"Shut up, Big Gay Al of the lion's world. I have lived in fear of my true self and it was mostly because of this family."  
  
Sarabi sat up, everyone gathered around for the rhetoric. Simba climbed up onto his soap box.  
  
"I was always treated like a fruit cake. Yes, even you mother. And now I have an announcement to make..."  
  
Everyone waited intently for this important information.  
  
"I am bi."  
  
Everyone was paused. Then a hyena in the back could be heard to shout out, "Tell us something we didn't know!"  
  
Sarabi sighed, "Simba, that is just crazy."  
  
Simba argued, "No I really am bi. When I was a kid living here surrounded by women, I never once got an erec---"  
  
"No, Simba." She interrupted.  
  
"But then I fell in love with a meerkat and warthog, and THEN I got it to stand up when I fell on Nala---"  
  
"No, Simba! You are a FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL. FLAMING. There is NO WAY in fiery hell you are attracted to women. Besides, you don't want to be greedy now, do you?"  
  
Simba pondered that for a moment when Scar hissed for his hyenas to attack, "GET 'EM GIRLSSSSS!  
  
The swarm of hungry hyenas fell upon the lion pride when Simba roared out, "WAIT! Let me finish!"  
  
All the animals stopped and waited again.  
  
Simba sighed, "I didn't say I wanted the kingdom back."  
  
EVERYONE, even Mufasa through the cloud went, "HUH?!"  
  
Another hyena could be heard exclaiming, "What the foshizzle?!"  
  
"That's right. I am resigning, from my place. But the only reason I came back was because I didn't want Scar to win."  
  
Simba gazed about at all the hyenas, "So guys, if you kill Scar, the kingdom is yours."  
  
It took about all of one second for Scar to become a bloody stain on the rocks.  
  
The hyena trio stepped forward. Shitsi asked, "So you really mean it, Simba? We can have the Pride Lands?"  
  
"Well, yes. I don't want any harm to come to my family, but yes, Pride Rock is yours."  
  
The three, along with the rest of the species, let out howls of rejoicing. Simba smiled contently and began walking away. Sarabi, with the other lionesses stood dumbfounded with their jaws hanging open. Then Rafiki came screechin' and a flingin' poo, swingin' that stick of his. It kinda took the bad situation and turned it around. Everyone began laughing. The monkey danced and flung poo. His red ass flappin' in the breeze. Everyone was happy again 'cause, hey, monkeys are funny like that.  
  
Timon and Pumbaa came back with a group of the hyenas hangin' around them asking for their phone numbers. Those guys..(Chuckle sigh).  
  
And so, Simba strode off into the sunset. His mind set on going back to the jungle. Timon and Pumbaa jogged up to his side.  
  
"Soooo, where're we goin' now, little buddy?" Timon inquired to the lion.  
  
"Where I spent the best years of my life."  
  
"Spanky Lance's Big House of Ass?" Pumbaa asked.  
  
"Hmm, well, there too. But I was thinking more along the lines of the jungle."  
  
"Ooooohhh." The duo said in unison.  
  
And so, off went the old trio again. Lovers, friends, companions, spanking partners, there they went, off into the sunset. Hummin' an old tune ..:::Makuna Hatata..::...  
  
Across the plains, a song could be heard:  
  
They'll never find a plaaaaaaace...where the people'll quit whiiiniiiiiiiiiing...In the squaaaaare the squaaaare of liiiiiiiiiife.  
  
BOOM  
  
A.N.: MUWAHAHAHA! I am so evil for ending it this way! I honestly don't know what I was thinking. But making it better twould mean...to make an effort. And I ain't the kind to do that. But since I have some decency in me, if you hate it that much, put it in your review and if I get enough votes, I will rewrite. Maybe after this I will begin a Lion King 2 Spoof. Maybe. I don't know it as well as this movie.. I have the video though, so I can begins my studies.. :P 


End file.
